To be a father

"La paternidad es lo mejor y, también, lo más terrible porque vuelves a ser infinitamente vulnerable" Roberto Bolaño

To be a father is quite complicated. Instantly, you have to struggle against your own ego and put you entirely at the service of the ones that surround you. Sometimes you have the money to purchase those slacks that you know are going to match perfectly with that black tie but, suddenly, a sensation you never felt before seizes your mind and forces you to think in that little baby and that hard-working lady who are waiting for you to come home. So you have no other option rather than to save that money for diapers or for some toy that your wife have been pushing you to buy because media said it’s going to be a useful tool for the infant stimulation.

To be honest, being a dad is not as complicated as being a mom. They –moms- are the ones who spent most of their time with the babies, having –in most cases- no time at all for them, I mean, time for them to do a little shopping, to talk to their friends even on Facebook, to dress-up as they used to when they were single and had a carefree life. Life puts in our way things that we never planned before to encounter with. Those things could damage you or not, could make you feel happy or not. It all depends on the glass you use to look those things. Being a dad was not on my immediate plans but now that I am one I’m experiencing a bunch of new sensations. When you are miles away from your lady and your daughter –who, by the way, has three months old- you only think about them and ask yourself if you could resist or endure one more day without seeing them. Gladly, in this spot where I’ve been thrown in, I can talk to my lady thorugh the cell phone and ask for my little baby.

Fortunately, and despite the fact that I have studied Mining Engineering and, for obvious reasons, have to work away from family and beloved ones, God has given me this job, in Lima, where I don’t have to travel quite often. Of course, I travel to provinces, when a new project comes along, but for short periods only –one or two days- to gather information and assemble data in order to make up a decent report. Being close to your beloved ones is a priceless thing to thank for.

My dad was not so affectionate towards me or my brother. Perhaps, as fatherhood took him by surprise when he was only twenty one years old, he was not prepare for being a playful dad. Indeed, in that time, his top priority was to get through university with the highest scores. And he did so.

Now that I am a father I understand my dad. I remember, when we used to live in our house, in Los Olivos, seeing him studying at his desk, reading enormous medicine books, so concentrated on what those books were saying to him. It was not openly prohibited but me and my brother knew that we shouldn’t disturb my dad’s reading. I know understand why he couldn’t be so playful with us. He had to study because that was the only way he had to be a doctor and provide for his family a decent life.

Now that I am a father, it is clear to me that the role of a son is not to judge your parents. Our role as sons or daughters is to love wholeheartedly mom and dad.

I have an uncle who lives and works in Chile. He also is a dad to me and my brother. When my father started to work as a doctor, the money was not so abundant at home. On the other hand, my uncle decided to start an enterprise with a couple of his friends and that affair turned out to be quite succesful. My uncle, knowing about our economical situation, decided to help her sister and bought us our tools for school: books, pencils and even the monthly payments to school. I clearly remember those escenes: my uncle holding a big bag full of notebooks –the expensive ones-, the books that school demanded, pencils, crayons, and my mom thanking him with joy in her eyes, beaming. But his help didn’t stop there, he also helped economically my father and my mother when I got into university until my father was able to pay the college monthly payments.

I owe a lot to my father and my uncle and to those people who in certain moments played the role of a father to me.

Now that I am a father, I am aware that I have to take care of myself because two beautiful women are waiting for me to come home in one piece, because that little child wants –though she can’t speak yet- me to watch her growing, help her with her school duties, take her to the beach, embrace her and her mother, with all the love I can humbly give.